To revisit briefly, I last spoke about how my (our) actions are a pretty strong indicator of the conscious or habitual patterns that reflect what our strongest desires really are. I have come this far and I believe that I was correct about golf. I was using it as a placeholder; something comfortable to fall into after my life "plan" fell elsewhere. I appreciate the value of a placeholder, and I think everybody should have something or somebody that just feels like home, for times like that. I think it's probably preferable to KNOW you're going to this comfortable place to escape something, that way you don't fill your mind with misplaced delusions of grandeur... Of course... I see delusions of grandeur everywhere I turn (keep reading, you'll see), so maybe that doesn't apply to you. But I know I've seen it before; the girl (or man) that repeatedly goes back to the same lover, despite knowing how poorly it has turned out in the past, and finds him/herself thinking that maybe it will be different this time. And why? Because it's easier to be in the failed relationship you know, than to be alone and uncertain about the future. If Voltaire has taught me anything, it's that doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
And coming full circle, I finally find myself free from the bounds of certainty, and healthy enough psychologically and emotionally to deal with the blows of uncertainty. And this is my pursuit...
I'm going to start my own hedge fund.
I have no idea what will come of this, and that's okay, but I know that I have a certain knack for finding value in the marketplace, and in the zero-sum world of investing, I am cocky enough to believe that I can do so with enough proficiency to make myself, and the people I love, a lot of money. I don't come from a particularly wealthy background, and I see the bounds of the middle-class psychology running rampant in those closest to me. I know what it means to believe that you deserve more, and I believe in my soul that this is something to be nurtured, both in myself and those around me. I cannot tell you how bad I want to show the people I love that there is faith placed in any investment, but well placed, an investment can open the doors of possibility. I'm not talking about finance anymore. I want people to cry with joy at the sight of a life they didn't think was possible.
I'm going to change the way money is run. And I'm going to break down the doors of the psychological prison that so many of us live in.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Discovery Process
"Becoming an overnight success takes 10-15 years." -Robert Herjavec (though perhaps not originally)
While golf and I have been at odds the last few weeks due to both physical and psychological reasons, I feel that I have been making ground on "me." A lot has changed since I first posted to this blog, and I think it's important to get it all down, more for me than for you, but in the hopes that we both might take something from it.
Passion was the dominant word in my previous post, and I am still of the opinion that if you are to live at all, you should probably do so with at least a modicum of passion and gratitude. But I have learned the danger of using a passion to avoid facing a much deeper issue. For me, I fear that I have used golf as a place-holder; something to fill the void that exists when a so-called "plan" goes awry. It is not uncommon for people to avoid discomfort by delving into an all-encompassing task. Unfortunately, this discomfort has more to do with what I want to do with my life, than with who I am. There is a relationship between the two, however, that expresses itself in the way that I feel about what I do.
Though I've been taking lessons, I have not been practicing golf. (Here's where we learn something about who I am...) It is harder to write that than it is to actually live it. Why?? In my opinion, it is because of precedent. I have led others to believe that I am passionate about this game, and I have, in the past, been the person who is last on the driving range or putting green. Do I love the game? Absolutely. But can I honestly say that I have the desire to put in the hours that I used to? No. And I don't need to psychoanalyze myself and dig deep into my soul to figure that out. But I feel guilty saying all of it to you, and I shouldn't.
Your actions always express the most prominent of your desires. Many people misunderstand this statement, because they only consider their conscious desires, and neglect the innate or instinctive desires that drive our actions far more often than we would like to acknowledge. For example, many people would like to feel better about their physical appearance, and are physically capable of putting in the work, so they say "If what you're saying is true, and I REALLY want this, how come I still look and feel this way?" Obviously, those individuals consciously want to see something different in the mirror, or on the scale, but my bet is that when they aren't consciously looking, they sabotage their goals. I am confident that if you take an inventory of their actions on a daily basis, you'll see a habitual pattern that either perpetuates or reinforces where they are now, and they may not even know it! It's a day off from the gym, a dessert that I (admittedly) would not have passed on either, a step on the scale that only confirms, deep down, what they already knew...
Conversely, I have begun using this approach to stop asserting who I should be, or who I want to be, and to start learning about who I actually am. Why? Because I don't actually know! And here's the kicker... That's OKAY! Did you know that I spend a ridiculous amount of my time researching investments? And I mean... ridiculous. I used to spend that time playing and practicing golf; it was all I cared about. And so, I have spent an inordinate amount of time feeling guilty about my actions. I have known all along what I should be doing (based on the completely arbitrary goal of winning major championships), but the separation between my actions and the single-minded pursuit that my mind knows is the only way to achieve the lofty goals that I consistently set for myself, is impossible to ignore. Rather, I've begun looking at my actions, and the way I speak about these actions, and I've begun to tell myself, "You know what? I don't know what the end-game looks like, but I know that I LOVE what I'm doing right now, and whatever the end-game may be? It's going to be the result of all this time and effort and hard work, which really isn't hard work at all!"
I've never known a man whose success story was written against his will.
If the desire comes back? You'll know it, because you'll find me on the range. But for the time being, I'm going to invest my time in the things that I desire more than anything else. And you'll know what those are by where you'll find me.
Thank you for your time! Best to all of you!
While golf and I have been at odds the last few weeks due to both physical and psychological reasons, I feel that I have been making ground on "me." A lot has changed since I first posted to this blog, and I think it's important to get it all down, more for me than for you, but in the hopes that we both might take something from it.
Passion was the dominant word in my previous post, and I am still of the opinion that if you are to live at all, you should probably do so with at least a modicum of passion and gratitude. But I have learned the danger of using a passion to avoid facing a much deeper issue. For me, I fear that I have used golf as a place-holder; something to fill the void that exists when a so-called "plan" goes awry. It is not uncommon for people to avoid discomfort by delving into an all-encompassing task. Unfortunately, this discomfort has more to do with what I want to do with my life, than with who I am. There is a relationship between the two, however, that expresses itself in the way that I feel about what I do.
Though I've been taking lessons, I have not been practicing golf. (Here's where we learn something about who I am...) It is harder to write that than it is to actually live it. Why?? In my opinion, it is because of precedent. I have led others to believe that I am passionate about this game, and I have, in the past, been the person who is last on the driving range or putting green. Do I love the game? Absolutely. But can I honestly say that I have the desire to put in the hours that I used to? No. And I don't need to psychoanalyze myself and dig deep into my soul to figure that out. But I feel guilty saying all of it to you, and I shouldn't.
Your actions always express the most prominent of your desires. Many people misunderstand this statement, because they only consider their conscious desires, and neglect the innate or instinctive desires that drive our actions far more often than we would like to acknowledge. For example, many people would like to feel better about their physical appearance, and are physically capable of putting in the work, so they say "If what you're saying is true, and I REALLY want this, how come I still look and feel this way?" Obviously, those individuals consciously want to see something different in the mirror, or on the scale, but my bet is that when they aren't consciously looking, they sabotage their goals. I am confident that if you take an inventory of their actions on a daily basis, you'll see a habitual pattern that either perpetuates or reinforces where they are now, and they may not even know it! It's a day off from the gym, a dessert that I (admittedly) would not have passed on either, a step on the scale that only confirms, deep down, what they already knew...
Conversely, I have begun using this approach to stop asserting who I should be, or who I want to be, and to start learning about who I actually am. Why? Because I don't actually know! And here's the kicker... That's OKAY! Did you know that I spend a ridiculous amount of my time researching investments? And I mean... ridiculous. I used to spend that time playing and practicing golf; it was all I cared about. And so, I have spent an inordinate amount of time feeling guilty about my actions. I have known all along what I should be doing (based on the completely arbitrary goal of winning major championships), but the separation between my actions and the single-minded pursuit that my mind knows is the only way to achieve the lofty goals that I consistently set for myself, is impossible to ignore. Rather, I've begun looking at my actions, and the way I speak about these actions, and I've begun to tell myself, "You know what? I don't know what the end-game looks like, but I know that I LOVE what I'm doing right now, and whatever the end-game may be? It's going to be the result of all this time and effort and hard work, which really isn't hard work at all!"
I've never known a man whose success story was written against his will.
If the desire comes back? You'll know it, because you'll find me on the range. But for the time being, I'm going to invest my time in the things that I desire more than anything else. And you'll know what those are by where you'll find me.
Thank you for your time! Best to all of you!
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